Or rather, am I ready to go to UK??
Looks like my mood is going a very high stage then suddenly fall down at a exponential rate, just simply my mu keeps mumbling, then scolding, the bluffing...said that I am still naive, not prepare yet for going to UK, don't know how to judge the things whether it's important or not, not serious in handling the matters, take the matters very lightly, didn't take care own hygiene, don't know how to take care my own things, keeps playing without doing something that meaningful, and the list going on endlessly. Along the way from the shop till home.
I know she may had a bad day, or perhaps Aunt Visit, maybe somethings pissed her off. So I choose silence, keep bitting my own lips, calm my temper, preventing them bust out then having conflicts...
I know what stressed her, the financial problem. It's not my mum fault, just some stupid/retard customers didn't pay their debts, causing the shop's financial turnover not very well. So that's the problem. But I still want to add-on. Firstly, I feel my parents spend too much of money in cigarette and beers, and the money to treating the friends to eat/drink. Just take an example, yesterday my family and i went to the taoism day dinner gathering(something like this), my parents keep ordering the beers, each bottle costs RM10, and approximately 4 to 5 cups full will finish the beers. If they drink for their own, i have no objections, but they treat their friends, one bottle and another till the gathering finish. I believe they finished 20 or more bottles...so, RM200++ gone....those friends of pigs and dogs...(猪朋狗友）
I don't know how to raise the objections to them, since that i learn that last time I advice them get scolded for nothing for an hour, said something like it's their money, they can do whatever they pleasant...So, if they save the money to treating the friends, i do believe they can save lots of money, even can support me to UK for 2 years...
Until this point, i can't said i am ready to UK, but I think my family is not ready too...right until here, the worst decision i can made is rather go for the UK, i stay for advance diploma for 2 years, make my own money to UK, rather then ask for them, or apply loan...
And I think, my parents don't want me to go to UK, after saying all these....
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Alternatives..?!
First of all, i didn't think about any alternatives since i am decided go to UK, but, on yesterday, 28th of March 2010, for the first time, my determination to UK is shaken, even giving up to UK...
Actually, the biggest problem is financial problem, if my result is distinction, then the money is not a problem. But i am not that clever, hardworking, and my result is just a little bit above average, so i think even though i get the scholarship, but still it wouldn't be 100%, maybe just 50%(at most) of the fees. And this particular 50% of the fees i need to get it on my own. I don't think my parents can support me this huge amount of money, ever my grandparents move in to my house, the burden on my parents' shoulder become more heavier.
I don't want to make them so suffer like this, but on the other hand, I want go to oversea to study. Family and career, which one i can choose?!
In my own view, go to overseas cost is higher at the present, but in the future when i graduate, i can make more money. But when I think another way round, study at the local can reduce the burden on my parents is lighter at the present, but in the end i can only end up in Malaysia's police department( which is lesser paycheck and the competition of getting the job is higher...because of the government policy...damned with the special right of bumiputra, where the hell is the Satu Malaysia?! ...>_<).
Right now i have three choices. 1st, UK. 2nd, USM(maybe...). 3rd, Advance diploma.
Actually, I haven't reveal my worries to my parents. But based on my understanding to them, they probably want me go to UK, by taking the scholarship, and the loans.
I need some times to think about it, and I need to gather some information from my father's friend, see whether can I work in PD with diploma certificate, or advance certificate is better. At my current state, I don't want to go to my career so soon, but at the same time I don't want my parents carry this burden as well...so what to do?!
Actually, the biggest problem is financial problem, if my result is distinction, then the money is not a problem. But i am not that clever, hardworking, and my result is just a little bit above average, so i think even though i get the scholarship, but still it wouldn't be 100%, maybe just 50%(at most) of the fees. And this particular 50% of the fees i need to get it on my own. I don't think my parents can support me this huge amount of money, ever my grandparents move in to my house, the burden on my parents' shoulder become more heavier.
I don't want to make them so suffer like this, but on the other hand, I want go to oversea to study. Family and career, which one i can choose?!
In my own view, go to overseas cost is higher at the present, but in the future when i graduate, i can make more money. But when I think another way round, study at the local can reduce the burden on my parents is lighter at the present, but in the end i can only end up in Malaysia's police department( which is lesser paycheck and the competition of getting the job is higher...because of the government policy...damned with the special right of bumiputra, where the hell is the Satu Malaysia?! ...>_<).
Right now i have three choices. 1st, UK. 2nd, USM(maybe...). 3rd, Advance diploma.
Actually, I haven't reveal my worries to my parents. But based on my understanding to them, they probably want me go to UK, by taking the scholarship, and the loans.
I need some times to think about it, and I need to gather some information from my father's friend, see whether can I work in PD with diploma certificate, or advance certificate is better. At my current state, I don't want to go to my career so soon, but at the same time I don't want my parents carry this burden as well...so what to do?!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
After a Very Long Run...
phew... after a long day nonstop rushing, today finally i have a chance to make a post...
actually, when i really think about it, i am not sure my group is lucky or rather, unlucky at all...
we met a very good BM teacher, and a very good Business Management tutor...let's start from BM tutor first
to put the words more mercy, she is very nice, easy-going tutor. But when it's come to another way round, forgive me to stab her back, she is lazy, not very responsible tutor...why i comment her like this? just simply she is a Malay after all...XD
Initially, my group should done a presentation last week, the 4th week, but she attaining a training, so delay to 5th week, which mean, this week. So now i have 1 assignment and 1 presentation on 5th week.
Next, talk about Business unit...initially, we should pass up the case study assignment, but the lecturer and tutors receive the feedback that about the case study is very hard, can't understand at all and blah blah blah reasons, so delay to 5th week first tutorial session...so, add up i have 2 assignment, 1 presentation to done at 5th week.
Now, come to Forensic Biology part, Mr. Leong part. Supposedly, the mid-term test should be at 4th week, first lecture session, but on 3rd week Thursday lecture, he didnt come for the lecture(playing FB i suppose?!), so the part should be done for the test delay again...so the test forced to move to thursday, BUT!!! the talk about the advance diploma thing delay it again...so, 5th week thursday for mid-term test....total up till here, 2 assignments, 1 presentation, 1 mid-term...
Finally, come to Forensic Chemistry part, Dr.Chong part...well, he just kinda sloppy type, and he decided the mid-term test are carry out at 5th week Thursday session...GRAND TOTAL: 2 ASSIGNMENTS, 1 PRESENTATION, 2 MID-TERM TESTS!!!
uh huh...what a busy week, well at least the 5th week is passed half way already...i done the assignment and presentation part(i think the presentation didnt goes very well since it's in BM, if in English...hahaha), now what's left is 2 mid-term tests. I am not afraid of the Dr. Chong's part, since the calculation only, just my eyes need to be clear...but the Mr.Leong's part...well, i am kinda lazy to read it, glaze through may be works...XD
time does flow, in a very fast rate, just like blinking speed...i still can remember 2 years ago, my second visit to the TAR College, to take the registration form, right after the release of SPM result...lol, so naive and nostalgic when i am lost in college...
the diploma is gonna end soon, and the things that can make me remember all of the friends can say it's 80% done, the remaining 20% is gonna be difficult...i am not very fond of expressing myself actually, but still i can express it on words, typing words, not the speaking words, it just make me kinda embarrassing...
now i can really feel what's they are feeling when they graduate from college...like those dramas, the school's a;ways broadcast the Canon in D when the Graduation is going on...when i listening the Canon, i feel very...dont know how to put it in words, but that kind of feel is kinda sad, yet happy, want to cry, but yet keep smiling...something like that.
Actually, i like to collect different version of Canon, i have the rock, piano, violin, pipe organ, harp, techno even Erhu version also is one of my collection. I can't particularly state the reason why i like it, people said this is kinda blindly love...well, something like that...
among these version of Canon, the violin version is the one that touch me most...especially the graduation is near...well, actually i am very envy that almost all of my gang members are gonna stay together, and looks like i am the one who gonna left out...XD
every people choose their own path, the others just can give advices only, the decision is on your own hand, i can't force them and so do they, what i can do is just do anythings that can keep the memory and enjoy and most importantly, enjoy the college life....lol
actually, when i really think about it, i am not sure my group is lucky or rather, unlucky at all...
we met a very good BM teacher, and a very good Business Management tutor...let's start from BM tutor first
to put the words more mercy, she is very nice, easy-going tutor. But when it's come to another way round, forgive me to stab her back, she is lazy, not very responsible tutor...why i comment her like this? just simply she is a Malay after all...XD
Initially, my group should done a presentation last week, the 4th week, but she attaining a training, so delay to 5th week, which mean, this week. So now i have 1 assignment and 1 presentation on 5th week.
Next, talk about Business unit...initially, we should pass up the case study assignment, but the lecturer and tutors receive the feedback that about the case study is very hard, can't understand at all and blah blah blah reasons, so delay to 5th week first tutorial session...so, add up i have 2 assignment, 1 presentation to done at 5th week.
Now, come to Forensic Biology part, Mr. Leong part. Supposedly, the mid-term test should be at 4th week, first lecture session, but on 3rd week Thursday lecture, he didnt come for the lecture(playing FB i suppose?!), so the part should be done for the test delay again...so the test forced to move to thursday, BUT!!! the talk about the advance diploma thing delay it again...so, 5th week thursday for mid-term test....total up till here, 2 assignments, 1 presentation, 1 mid-term...
Finally, come to Forensic Chemistry part, Dr.Chong part...well, he just kinda sloppy type, and he decided the mid-term test are carry out at 5th week Thursday session...GRAND TOTAL: 2 ASSIGNMENTS, 1 PRESENTATION, 2 MID-TERM TESTS!!!
uh huh...what a busy week, well at least the 5th week is passed half way already...i done the assignment and presentation part(i think the presentation didnt goes very well since it's in BM, if in English...hahaha), now what's left is 2 mid-term tests. I am not afraid of the Dr. Chong's part, since the calculation only, just my eyes need to be clear...but the Mr.Leong's part...well, i am kinda lazy to read it, glaze through may be works...XD
time does flow, in a very fast rate, just like blinking speed...i still can remember 2 years ago, my second visit to the TAR College, to take the registration form, right after the release of SPM result...lol, so naive and nostalgic when i am lost in college...
the diploma is gonna end soon, and the things that can make me remember all of the friends can say it's 80% done, the remaining 20% is gonna be difficult...i am not very fond of expressing myself actually, but still i can express it on words, typing words, not the speaking words, it just make me kinda embarrassing...
now i can really feel what's they are feeling when they graduate from college...like those dramas, the school's a;ways broadcast the Canon in D when the Graduation is going on...when i listening the Canon, i feel very...dont know how to put it in words, but that kind of feel is kinda sad, yet happy, want to cry, but yet keep smiling...something like that.
Actually, i like to collect different version of Canon, i have the rock, piano, violin, pipe organ, harp, techno even Erhu version also is one of my collection. I can't particularly state the reason why i like it, people said this is kinda blindly love...well, something like that...
among these version of Canon, the violin version is the one that touch me most...especially the graduation is near...well, actually i am very envy that almost all of my gang members are gonna stay together, and looks like i am the one who gonna left out...XD
every people choose their own path, the others just can give advices only, the decision is on your own hand, i can't force them and so do they, what i can do is just do anythings that can keep the memory and enjoy and most importantly, enjoy the college life....lol
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
These few days...
after several days of silence myself unless important situations take place, i realized that shut up is not that hard after all...especially when you are facing many pressures at the same times...
i just received a sms saying that somebody is facing financial problems and can't support anymore, my mind become very blank, sitting there, the brain is thinking how to solve this...
become i typing this post, i merely come out a solution, though is not a perfect one, but still, i need some support. but i afraid i will not get the support from family right now, especially mention about the things that i planed recently...
i decided to give her fisrt, the money...well, using the investment method will be a better solution rather than do nothing, since the order is placed, and there is no turning back already...
actually, i am experimenting somethings, see whether it'll work out or not...so far the results are acceptable, at least it's not that miserable as i were expected...now i shall share the conclusions...
i just received a sms saying that somebody is facing financial problems and can't support anymore, my mind become very blank, sitting there, the brain is thinking how to solve this...
become i typing this post, i merely come out a solution, though is not a perfect one, but still, i need some support. but i afraid i will not get the support from family right now, especially mention about the things that i planed recently...
i decided to give her fisrt, the money...well, using the investment method will be a better solution rather than do nothing, since the order is placed, and there is no turning back already...
actually, i am experimenting somethings, see whether it'll work out or not...so far the results are acceptable, at least it's not that miserable as i were expected...now i shall share the conclusions...
- talking jokes can really fools you parents, especially you have somethings that you do not want them know...this can be support by the fact that i did not tell them that i keep silence, but still they did not know what's happened in my college's life.
- some times, you can really test out which friends are really taking his/her hearts to be friend with you, means willingly want you to become his/her friends, by simply make some actions that out of your personalities...THANKS YOU MY FRIENDS...you are there when i were in the mists, keep wondering about where's the exits, give me some directions and advices and help me to get out with it...
- keep doing excercises would not help you to clear you mind, in fact, it may further confuse it...supported by i keeps jogging these few days and yet i still feel very messy...
- think before act, this is the most important conclusion that i can draw...these days, when i keep silence, i am still imagine if i do this, what will be the result, and how about the other ways and their results...i can imagine at least 2 consequences when i do a particular action, which makes me kinda clear in mind when the same situation comes at future and what'll be the consequence...so, rather talking nonsense that will hurt people, why don't i talk something that's more better and nicer?
- it's gonna end now, the diploma level in TAR College, this is nearly end of the week 4, next week will be the last third week that we can study together, i do believe Group 3 is gonna scatter...i'll go to overseas, some of them stay for advance diploma, some of them go for another university or college for further study, some of them may go to work directly...thinks that may be i am the only one who will go overseas after the diploma level huh....absurd...hopes we can still stay connected via Facebook and blogs...though i'll continue the this blog that share the happiness, sadness, angry, disappointment, supports, encouragement and etc...
- i realize that i am the type that need more supports than the others, though i didn't look like that. sometime, although it's just a very short comment, but still can brave myself to make the decisions, do something that i am afraid of...pathetic...maybe the horoscopes are really accurate after all...some people said i do not look like a Virgo, so i told them, my birthday is 23rd of August, what do you think? half Virgo and half Leo? or simply Lioness?! proud, seeking glory, sociable, outgoing, active, "love face" can be found on Leo people. tender(?), like clear, serious, careful, like to guess people's heart can be found on Virgo people. and half of these traits can be found on me. especially proud...
- after this, i want to make a change...so just wait and see...
Monday, March 15, 2010
My Decisions in my College Life
By looking at the last post's date, i realized that i didn't post too much after all. But here comes the new post...
2 years ago, right after i attended the mass call in college hall, i were wondering, what kind of people will i meet? many people said that the friends that you made in college can cause a significant change in your life, your view and your future as well. after read this, my mind were tumble, i afraid my future will be shaken and then i will fall. after the that day, there were a briefing about the college's rules, examinations' rules and much more. right after that, comes to my first decision in my college life.
the newly assigned course representative by senior, Justin Benedict Webber, assistant course representative, Goh Tee Kim(who is the my first course mate i met) were holding a course meeting to choose group leader. at that time, i randomly choose to sit at the first row where my group members are all together. when Justin mentioned about to choose who should me the group leader, one of my current gang member, Yuuji said aloud," the first guy at the front will be the group leader."
then my heart is beating fast, at all of a sudden. i looked back, seek for the voice, i smile at him, so do him(kinda silly, since at that time we didn't know each other). at that time, i want to be a group leader, but still i am still afraid, afraid of being rejected by the others, afraid of i am a worst group leader(this is what i think now). i braced myself, step in front and "partially" voluntary to become the group leader. this is my first decision in my college life, which is significantly affecting my life after all.
so, i planned in mind, if i met someone that is having a great potential to be a group leader, i'll resign and let he/she to do it. unfortunately, my group did not have this kind of people. all i saw is having one of the potential to become a group leader.
The one with the same name that i met at least 3 people at that time has the so-called "aura" of a group leader, but the personality of difficult to contact in the time of need forced me to rethink.
I do not see any potential to become a group leader in the one who has the name changed when this member young. so i have to rethink again.
The one who once scolded me can handle many things very smoothly, especially when it's come to make a important decision. But what i afraid is this member is kinda lack in confident when come to the public speaking, so rethink again.
The one with over active personality is having the most potential to become a group leader. But when i ask this member, i were rejected immediately, saying that wants to be the strategist, rather than the leader.
The biggest brain winner can handle the things very carefully, since that this member is a Virgo. so i can entrust the title of group leader to this member. But this member rejected too, the reason is unknown.
so there's the problem, including me there are 17 people in my group but the others except the people i mentioned do not have the potentials, even there is, still is not as strong as them. so what do i do? i continued with the title of group leader. this is the second important decision that i made.
then, i were confused. at the last time, all of my group members supported me, i dont know they are unwillingly or they really support me from the hearts. i dont think all of them are really support me, maybe they just lazy to elect a new group leader. some of them said i think too much. Did i? every things i thought are just some meaningless, stupid, retard thoughts? why all of you support me at that time?! you can just simply said "oh you this inferior human being, give the title of group leader to other people already!!! you stupid retard!!", or "why dont you go to hell and rest in peace so that the group leader title can go to the others?". i really want to know what are you all thinking about, so that i can leave without any guilty feeling...
now i am starting to get very guilty, my mind are very messy. i dont think i am a good group leader after all. and this is not the first time i think like this. and after today's classes, i do really curse that why the Business Organization and Management unit do not come early at the semester 1 in first year, so that at least i can learn something from it.
Previously, i feel very boring toward the books that about the leadership, management skill etc and even consider it as junk. who would like to bother to read this kind of books except for business people such as CEO, manager. now i realize not just business people would like to read this kind of book, others can read it too. now it is useless since i gonna leave this college, with the title of group leader carrying at my shoulders. The title that i really want to drop now. This is my third decision. Will be the last one as the group leader. Then, from now on, i refuse to talk when there is unnecessarily, my fourth decision in my college life...
2 years ago, right after i attended the mass call in college hall, i were wondering, what kind of people will i meet? many people said that the friends that you made in college can cause a significant change in your life, your view and your future as well. after read this, my mind were tumble, i afraid my future will be shaken and then i will fall. after the that day, there were a briefing about the college's rules, examinations' rules and much more. right after that, comes to my first decision in my college life.
the newly assigned course representative by senior, Justin Benedict Webber, assistant course representative, Goh Tee Kim(who is the my first course mate i met) were holding a course meeting to choose group leader. at that time, i randomly choose to sit at the first row where my group members are all together. when Justin mentioned about to choose who should me the group leader, one of my current gang member, Yuuji said aloud," the first guy at the front will be the group leader."
then my heart is beating fast, at all of a sudden. i looked back, seek for the voice, i smile at him, so do him(kinda silly, since at that time we didn't know each other). at that time, i want to be a group leader, but still i am still afraid, afraid of being rejected by the others, afraid of i am a worst group leader(this is what i think now). i braced myself, step in front and "partially" voluntary to become the group leader. this is my first decision in my college life, which is significantly affecting my life after all.
so, i planned in mind, if i met someone that is having a great potential to be a group leader, i'll resign and let he/she to do it. unfortunately, my group did not have this kind of people. all i saw is having one of the potential to become a group leader.
The one with the same name that i met at least 3 people at that time has the so-called "aura" of a group leader, but the personality of difficult to contact in the time of need forced me to rethink.
I do not see any potential to become a group leader in the one who has the name changed when this member young. so i have to rethink again.
The one who once scolded me can handle many things very smoothly, especially when it's come to make a important decision. But what i afraid is this member is kinda lack in confident when come to the public speaking, so rethink again.
The one with over active personality is having the most potential to become a group leader. But when i ask this member, i were rejected immediately, saying that wants to be the strategist, rather than the leader.
The biggest brain winner can handle the things very carefully, since that this member is a Virgo. so i can entrust the title of group leader to this member. But this member rejected too, the reason is unknown.
so there's the problem, including me there are 17 people in my group but the others except the people i mentioned do not have the potentials, even there is, still is not as strong as them. so what do i do? i continued with the title of group leader. this is the second important decision that i made.
then, i were confused. at the last time, all of my group members supported me, i dont know they are unwillingly or they really support me from the hearts. i dont think all of them are really support me, maybe they just lazy to elect a new group leader. some of them said i think too much. Did i? every things i thought are just some meaningless, stupid, retard thoughts? why all of you support me at that time?! you can just simply said "oh you this inferior human being, give the title of group leader to other people already!!! you stupid retard!!", or "why dont you go to hell and rest in peace so that the group leader title can go to the others?". i really want to know what are you all thinking about, so that i can leave without any guilty feeling...
now i am starting to get very guilty, my mind are very messy. i dont think i am a good group leader after all. and this is not the first time i think like this. and after today's classes, i do really curse that why the Business Organization and Management unit do not come early at the semester 1 in first year, so that at least i can learn something from it.
Previously, i feel very boring toward the books that about the leadership, management skill etc and even consider it as junk. who would like to bother to read this kind of books except for business people such as CEO, manager. now i realize not just business people would like to read this kind of book, others can read it too. now it is useless since i gonna leave this college, with the title of group leader carrying at my shoulders. The title that i really want to drop now. This is my third decision. Will be the last one as the group leader. Then, from now on, i refuse to talk when there is unnecessarily, my fourth decision in my college life...
Monday, March 1, 2010
Boundaries
first of all, when i posting this, i feel like you all must feel boring about it, so just simply ignore it 'kay?!
thinks that every things have this things, the boundaries...but i am the one who didn't really realized the presence of this particular thing...so you can say i am a person that kind of blur blur one...
this is what my friend told me, he said that my eyes look very different when playing video games, especially those game that require very good respond etc, like Kingdom Hearts 2, when i fighting the bosses, the eyes looks just different.
this give me a shock, just like somebody said i am not the people that i suppose be...kinda like the interesting story plot. for me, this sound like some of the scenes in Tales Of the Abyss, that the main character, Luke is just a replica. so i trying to remember what i am thinking, doing and processing when i playing the games...
so i come out a relative stupid conclusion, i think i am drive by the instinct, the instinct of proud, the instinct of hunger of triumph, instinct of don't want to lose. kind of becoming a beast, but i am the one that "when this is what i good at, then i do not want to lose, at least i am taking you with me. if i can't win, so do you" kind of people...
maybe this where the my personality boundary cut at, one is the beast-like me, then the other is "sociable, happy-go-lucky and win or lose, doesn't matter" me, aka friendly me.
this is what my mum said to me, when i was kid,"if you put the strength in your study, like when you playing the useless video game(that time is PS1), then your result will be like genius!!!"
so for me this sound like,"if you didn't get a satisfied result, then you'll be prohibited from playing games!!!", so i just unwillingly study, just to play games...
if i am not remember wrongly, i am good at fighting games, like Street Fighters, Digimon World etc, those games require not only good responses, blinding speed finger movements, as well as strategies. so at that time my finger is just like having some injuries, very painful. then now, i am still the same case, good respond, high speed finger movement and own-plus-online-equal-to-perfect strategies.
now i think possibly i am very good at Kingdom Hearts 2 Final Mix + game, when it come to bosses, i feel like they are nothing, but the other thinks that "OMG!!!! this boss is insane!!!"...
when i watch those similar video on Youtube, i feel like they are stupid, using inappropriate equipments and strategies etc, you should feel lucky because i don't know how to capture high-res video...or else i'll show you what is the best ways to defeat the trash-like bosses...
back to topic, i just feel like the boundary of these personalities is started to merge, blurred and i found out my self that i can clearly feel there is a gap between my friends and i. i feel like i am not part of them anymore, not like the previous times, that i feel i am part of you, and i can understand your feelings, your thoughts and your characteristics. since the new semester commenced, i feel i am "clearly" cut from my friends....
when i am looking at them, their faces, their thoughts, feelings is not like before, i can feel it, like it's just before me. maybe the gaming and self-isolation gets me....
thinks that every things have this things, the boundaries...but i am the one who didn't really realized the presence of this particular thing...so you can say i am a person that kind of blur blur one...
this is what my friend told me, he said that my eyes look very different when playing video games, especially those game that require very good respond etc, like Kingdom Hearts 2, when i fighting the bosses, the eyes looks just different.
this give me a shock, just like somebody said i am not the people that i suppose be...kinda like the interesting story plot. for me, this sound like some of the scenes in Tales Of the Abyss, that the main character, Luke is just a replica. so i trying to remember what i am thinking, doing and processing when i playing the games...
so i come out a relative stupid conclusion, i think i am drive by the instinct, the instinct of proud, the instinct of hunger of triumph, instinct of don't want to lose. kind of becoming a beast, but i am the one that "when this is what i good at, then i do not want to lose, at least i am taking you with me. if i can't win, so do you" kind of people...
maybe this where the my personality boundary cut at, one is the beast-like me, then the other is "sociable, happy-go-lucky and win or lose, doesn't matter" me, aka friendly me.
this is what my mum said to me, when i was kid,"if you put the strength in your study, like when you playing the useless video game(that time is PS1), then your result will be like genius!!!"
so for me this sound like,"if you didn't get a satisfied result, then you'll be prohibited from playing games!!!", so i just unwillingly study, just to play games...
if i am not remember wrongly, i am good at fighting games, like Street Fighters, Digimon World etc, those games require not only good responses, blinding speed finger movements, as well as strategies. so at that time my finger is just like having some injuries, very painful. then now, i am still the same case, good respond, high speed finger movement and own-plus-online-equal-to-perfect strategies.
now i think possibly i am very good at Kingdom Hearts 2 Final Mix + game, when it come to bosses, i feel like they are nothing, but the other thinks that "OMG!!!! this boss is insane!!!"...
when i watch those similar video on Youtube, i feel like they are stupid, using inappropriate equipments and strategies etc, you should feel lucky because i don't know how to capture high-res video...or else i'll show you what is the best ways to defeat the trash-like bosses...
back to topic, i just feel like the boundary of these personalities is started to merge, blurred and i found out my self that i can clearly feel there is a gap between my friends and i. i feel like i am not part of them anymore, not like the previous times, that i feel i am part of you, and i can understand your feelings, your thoughts and your characteristics. since the new semester commenced, i feel i am "clearly" cut from my friends....
when i am looking at them, their faces, their thoughts, feelings is not like before, i can feel it, like it's just before me. maybe the gaming and self-isolation gets me....
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