Last post...

don't worry, i ain't going anyway...this is only the last post for this blog, and i gonna put the new post on another blog....the address is http://talesofteenager.blogspot.com...

well, happy following...^_^

I hate bring.....

i always pay attention to the calendar, and i realized one thing; time flow extremely slow when you had nothing to do, and flow with light speed when you have something to do...XD

I can't believe that it's been only two months, two extremely long months that i feel like it's been 2 years...blah...i hate to being boring, FB, dota, O2 mania, anything that is playable on my lame laptop is nothing like old hags to me...

Completely lost my motivation already....

Graduated..

my, my, my...almost one year ago, i coincidently saw my DCB seniors' convocation ceremony, but at that time, i never thought of it, and never had any intention to take it seriously...but, when it's come to MY convocation...i am so excited, nervous and yet, a little bit of sadness is found deep inside my heart, especially when i am ready to sleep...

I lie on my queen-size bed, but i can't sleep...i just can't calm down my mind and brain...they are overwhelmed with the convocation event happened, as well as some fragments of possible events occurred when i go to UK...although i ready to sleep on 12.00am....but i can't sleep, and the time i checked before my consciousness gone, it's 2,30am...

This isn't the worst, i wake up at 6.30am...god bless me...then, i login my FB, and surprise, i saw some of my friends uploaded the photos i.e 3 to 4 hours ago...well, he might be sleep very early today...well, moving on....then i played some games till 8.30am...then, i slept again, but this time, i can sleep much better than the previous...

Out of my expectation, i woke up at 12pm...the first thing i do after i wake up is to take a bath...to completely wake my mind up....i hated to be a mindless walking zombie...and taking a bath should do the tricks...

well, i'll try to upload the photos asap....XD

What a Rush!!

i just received a call from Kojadi, and they bring a bright notification to me that definitely boost my mood entirely to sky-rocket high!!

That Kojadi girl said that i can go to Wisma MCA to receive the first installment of my loan, which is RM25,000...with that, i can start to "officially" commence the start of my Student Visa application!!! And with this event, I completely understand and applied the fact of "you can say whatever you want, regardless it's a lie and as long as it's practical, logical and reasonable"...

I knew this fact long time ago, but I unable to apply, and understand it...i just simply tell the Kojadi staffs that I need the fund ASAP, with the reason of arrangement of time for Visa application. So, the fund supposed to be released on 21st of July, and I make it 16th!!! That's mean tomorrow!!!

Due to these things, i can foresee that the following days are eventful....

16th July, I'll take my funds from Kojadi, bank in the money, and wait for it to be transfer. After this, i gonna wait for a few days and make the TT to paid my tuition fees to University...

17th July, one of the important day to my family, my convocation ceremony. The reason why it's important for my family is because this is the highest education achievement made (the family i mean here doesn't include my cousins of course, their highest achievement is Bachelor Degree....i think...)

18th July, I will forcibly to take my grandma to the temple, together with my sister and cousin(maybe)...there, i'll be ram by tons of questions, curiosities, and requests...which are i would like to avoid it as much as possible....

well, these i can foresee until Sunday, the Monday schedule would be subjected to change, since there are many inconsistence factors....XD

A little story here...

well, i just watch the TV and there is a small drama broadcasting, and i feel it's very meaningful, so i decided to put it here....

There is a king who like to hunting wild animals with his personal advisor. One day, when he is hunting, he heard a woman crying. He is curious, so he search the woman. Later, he found that woman, when he approaching closer to have a better examination on the woman, he never expect that the woman is an assassin.

That woman try to kill the king with her dagger. Although the king's bodyguard manage to defend the king, but unfortunately, one of the king's finger is injured and being cut off. Later, when the king back to his palace, his advisor comfort the king and say: "Your Majesty, please do not put the loss of your finger in mind. Since this might be the best choice made by fate. The lost of a finger is better than losing your life, Your Majesty!"

The king of course, frustrated, and say: "Of course it's the BEST choice made by fate! If I sentence to your death or imprison you, this would be another BEST choice i made to you!"

The advisor replied, "If this is your majesty choice, then i will accept my fate as well."

Nevertheless, the king never wanted to sentence his friend to death, since the advisor served him for years. So, he ordered to knights to put the advisor in jail.

After one month, the king is still angry to his loss of the finger, although it's healed, he decided to visit the villages with plain clothes alone, in order to improve the living standard of his country. But, he is ambushed by some barbarians(come on, i know what are you thinking, there are no barbarians if there is a land ruled, but this is what i saw, so be it...XD). They intent to make the king as their offering to their Goddess of Full Moon.

In the barbaric's tradition, the offerings must be a perfect being, without any disabilities, as their Goddess of Full Moon symbolize perfection. The king is examined one night before the ritual. To their surprise, the king lost one of his finger, so the barbarians must abandon their choice and they must hunt again for another perfect human.

The king is released, and return to his palace with the beast hide that the barbarians gave to him. The first thing he do after he returned to his palace is pay a visit to his advisor, instead of changing into a new, luxury clothes. He say, " You are right! If that day i didn't lost my finger, then i'll lost my life today!!!" Then the king tell his experience to his advisor."

After that, the advisor say in relieve after he listened to the king's encounter, "And i said Your Majesty made a best choice for me too!!"

The king confused, the advisor continued, "If that day your majesty didn't imprison me, then, i'll accompany your majesty for the visits. Then, i'll become the barbarians' offering instead yours!!"

The End...

Conclusion: well, think it yourself!!!!

feeling urge again....

Darn...had a daily routine with my mum...just after i had my breakfast, i start up my laptop...same old laptop, another daily routine within Facebook...then, i feel another urge to post something again...

just a either sanely or insanely hypothesis, this can be interpreted as i am thinking something out of circle again....my mind wants me to develop a habit that update my blog within two or three days period, like a daily instead...and this might helpful for me to first, share my life in UK once i go there, second, act as a dairy for to remember everything that develop my maturity and third, as a way to express my thoughts...XD

haiz....people around me, are either married, or had a girlfriend, or love she in secretly...just i had none...>_<

I am feeling urge....

this is not happening once, but many consecutive days since the previous post...i have the urge to post something, but when i clicked create a new post button, i paused, staring at the monitor, then keyboard, then facebook, finally the song list, which i wish i can switch my mood by changing the songs playing...but i got nothing that's worth to post it out....

maybe i gonna type out why i choose "The Other Promise", composed by Shimomura Youko, original soundtrack for Kingdom Heart 2: Final Mix.....Main music components used: piano, violin, flute....secondary music components used: clang, electronic keyboard(maybe)...

since this is an original soundtrack, so the scene it is played is when Sora fight with his Nobody, Roxas....a very interesting and epic fight for both of them....i just find this soundtrack very calming, and can act as a lullaby, if you completely immerse yourself into the melody....

That's all...but another thing comes into my mind...

It's seems like, no, obviously all of my friends are working very hard, regardless which field; study, working, and exercises as well.....while I, just sitting there for whole, got nothing to do...well, not completely, because i'm just waiting replies....

Most of my ex-classmates are continue their advance diploma at college, and i had a copy of their timetable...i just had the urge like want to join the class, but i afraid the questions will ramming my again...if the questions are come from friends, i wouldn't mind it much but if from the lecturers....well, i guess i made some reputations around the lecturers and they definitely will remember me.....i am just embarrassed if the lecturers ask some either harsh or silly questions.....

One of my secondary school friend is working now, while taking a part time ACCA paper...and sound like he is working every moments when i call him, even after 8.00pm night.....he said something like this industrial training can actually gain many experiences and so on....

My one and only childhood friend, just called me to train some badminton lessons so that he could make himself slimmer, as well as his skill on badminton...he even had a plan for what to be trained when we having the session....taking the matter so serious.....

i guess, i am now unmotivated, until i go to UK, and having a whole new, while unfamiliar life there....

All The Best My Friends...

Racism....

although i don't had anything particular to post, but i still have the intention to post something out, so be it...

first talk about my current status, i am busying to apply my student visa, which is a fatal point of overseas study for every student....

since there are many people "jump aeroplane", causing UK's government to take serious action for, in order to prevent UK become current status of Malaysia....mean too much non-local labors...especially illegal one...

for that, the British Council take many harsh measurement to prevent that from happening....this will making the student to prepare many, many documents for that...bank statements, CAS number, offer letter, reference letter and so on.....the CAS number is abbreviate for...forgot, anyway, it's a serial number that link to a database, which the officers in British Council will search my name using this number, to show that i am accepted in university, and others related information as well....

I roughly calculated, and i need total of 15+ documents, while i just lack three things only....the bank letter, CAS number and my fund from Kojadi....so probably, no, DEFINITELY no more problems for me to so called "survive" in UK for one year...but the problem still there for my second year life...

this is why the post title related, i heard the Bank Raky*t outside the KL area, maybe Subang, Rawang branch etc can provide study loan for non-government servants applicants. And i tried Rawang branch but end up in disappointing...but i still haven't give up my hope yet, so i go to Subang branch on Friday...

firstly, i met the branch executive, and he willing to provide any information and requirements to me to apply the loan, so i go back, prepare everything and then i go back there on Monday...but that guy is not there, and i was served by other guy....

after he read through everything, he said something like "my mum's salary are not trustworthy enough to be an applicant", then he explain "there are no payslips to prove my mum's salary is RM3,500 per month"...then he ask us(my dad and I) to provide the Borang J in order to prove my mum's salary...my dad shown him the income tax receipt, but he said still "not strong enough to be trusted"....

then on the way back, my dad said "if my mum's salary isn't that much, what's the point to state how much my mum earned that much and paid RM1,000+ income tax?!"...so, what's the point???

Then, there are only one word in my mind, "RACISM"...the meaning is...

racism  ['reɪsɪzm]

noun

1.

the prejudice that members of one race are intrinsically superior to members of other races

2.

discriminatory or abusive behavior towards members of another race

Obviously, that guy is looking for troubles, especially when he saw the applicant's name is a Chinese...I still don't understand...Prime Minister state "Satu Malaysia" in order to maintain the harmony among the races....I can assure myself that, although deep in my heart, i had a strong racism toward a particular race, but i still treat them fairly when they come to shopping in my shop, with same discounted price to everybody, regardless the nationality and races....but why still this particular race still treating the Chinese so unfair?!

I just had a very tiniest hope that after two years, the situation will become better for all races....or else....the consequence will be deserve for what had been done....

Time Flew By...

I just watched Toy Story 3, which was invited by my friends on very last minutes...what kind of "last minutes"?  the movie started on 8.15pm, and i got this invitation on 7.00pm...

Anyway, I'll just point out the plot or something...The owner of the toys, Andy grown up to a 18y years old teenager, and going to college. He are forced to make the decision of how to handling the toys that accompany him since he was a child...Andy decided to take the cowboy toy(don't know the name, i didn't watch the previous two) to the college, the others, well, he doesn't want to threw them away, so he want to secretly to store them at the attic, while his mum accidentally throw the others...so the adventure begin again...

well, the ending are touching, and i do believe that this is the end of Toy Story, or so whatever the story writer said so...but it let me to think of something else beside the ending, plots etc...

Time really flew by, when some of neighbors around my mum's shop asked where am i going to continue my study, and i always let my mum answer the questions, because i do not want to act like very proud people, because most of them are aunties, and in their logic, going oversea, especially UK or US are consider very clever, and rich too...you got the point there...

Then those aunties started to reminiscing, most of them saying like "....wah!!!! your son become so well-grown young man already...before that he was so thin, and short....now look at the height and muscles..."

well, those aunties in my eyes didn't change too much, except the hair color, and the aging pattens that appear on their faces...right now, the start of July, two and a half months to go for me to stay in my hometown, and I am REALLY going to UK...thought the obstacles does appear.....

Officially, my flight date will be 15th of September 2010, the exact time still need to be updated...and i am busying with my Visa application (though I was just lacking three documents and the fund from Kojadi)....

If I settle my Visa application, all I'll be doing probably will be spending the remaining times with friends, and started to pack my things....just like Andy in Toy Story 3....XD

You'll never know unless you are encounter it

Well, most of my friends knew that i am neither a football enthusiast nor football hater...just that i never understand why the people like to shout "GOAL", "BOO!!!" etc when the match come climax...

Just so happen that one of my secondary school friend is a football enthusiast, and he scheduled so perfectly that after abandoning the badminton session for several consecutive weeks, now joining back and making the haste to the usual spot to watch FIFA World Cup, Korea vs Uruguay...

as his friend, i do not want to extinguish his flame, and excitement, so i watched too, and in fact, this is the first football match that i watch from the beginning to the end....i really mean it, usually i never stare at the screen that broadcasting football match for more than 3 minutes....

of course, i still really don't understand completely what kind of excitement and enthusiasm will be felt during the match, but i still can feel it partially...although i didn't shout "GOAL", because i didn't support neither Korea nor Uruguay. Still, i was hoping that Korea can win because all of us are Asian...XD

maybe i'll try to watch wrestling matches, which i discover it's interesting recently, see whether i'll get excited or not....

The crime physiology deep within me...

yuck....i am started to think that i become much more violent than before...firstly wrestling, then now like tease the polices....well, not the actual world, but virtual world...

i am talking about the Need For Speed: Most Wanted...just brought it on Saturday, but then the whole Sunday i keep playing, just enjoy the feeling of teasing the polices and evade the pursuits, while try to immobilize police cars, and cost as much damages to the by-passing vehicles...

it's very fun to just doing that.....

I treat you as the way you treat me....

i just don't understand, I treat my mum as the way i treat with my friends, simply because i do not want so much ways to treating for me to remember...i rather using these brain cells to memorize other matters that's much more important and useful....

then the other day, she ask me how's the progress of the Kojadi loan, then i said, i left the contact number at home (where i am at shop), then she is like distracted or something, obviously didn't listening at all...so i just keep internet-surfing...

Then later, my dad come back from his errands, then he talked about opening an account for me when i am going to UK, then my mum asked again the same question, i answered with a louder volume, then she scold me; "i am your mum, and you talk to me like THIS??!!", i said nothing, but i think my eyes is already blazing with anger, then she shouted again, "WHAT?! ARE YOU ANGER WITH SOMETHING?!"

Then just keep shouting "if other people's mum are better, just go and be their son" , "don't take care your own matters"...things like these...

Then my dad called my sister to ask grandpa to turn back and take me home...of course, she was still shouting when i exited the shop without looking back, what was she shouted? didn't listening at all, because i was too frustrated....

I just don't understand, I am acting nice to you, but you don't appreciate it, rather you just treat me like I am a rude kid....对你好，你就乱乱骂人。对你不好，你又呱呱吵。

in the end, i am the one who gonna be blamed, regardless i was right or wrong at the first place....

I just don't understand....

People do CHANGE....

well, the people i mentioned are not very particular some one i know....but in fact i am that particular people...

just a very simple sample, i am not very fond of wrestling and pilot-based games like WWE and Ace Combat, but right now i like it...

WWE first, i think it's good when you are frustrated with something, and you want to let go of your rage on some one...this is a good choice because you can stomp your opponents and laugh at it while no one is really get hurt...in the latest series of WWE 2010, it can let you build your own wrestler and move sets that can let you "torture" the computer player....

Move on to Ace Combat, i just it interesting only, that's all....but i can't play it when i am frustrated, because you will get annoyed when the target dodge/counter your attacks and so on....

I still found the WWE is much more interesting....

I don't want to be doesn't mean i can't be....

I just don't understand, why even my mum still don't understand COMPLETELY my personalities?

1.) I remain silence doesn't mean i don't had any comments, opinions and objections...

2.) I didn't take care the important things first doesn't mean i don't know how to allocate the priorities...

3.) I didn't planned anything doesn't mean i don't know how to plan...

4.) I keep playing the games doesn't mean i am a lazy person...

start from the 1st point:
these occurred quite often recently because i didn't go to school, so i have a lot of time to staying in the shop and helping my mum out when there is necessarily. For this, i being scolded for a lot of time...the truth is, i respect my parents, so I didn't tell them what am i really thinking, the eastern polite manner...from what i can see from the movies, especially the production of UK and US, the children always tell their heart, i envy, and jealous for them able to tell what they are reallying thinking to their parents. But this will never applied on my parents, because they are still "old-minded", keep saying that they are the "absolute right", and have much more experience than me, using the old phase: I ate more salt than you ate rice. Sometimes, I still correct them if they make mistake, but most of the time, they will scold me, no matter what kind of manner i used, anger, joke, mock, kind and everything...

Than the 2nd point:
Just the case happen everyday, since my April Exam result is released. My mum keep command me to search around the informations of loans, scholarships etc, because they can't support me fully to study abroad. And i did, within 30 minutes, and after i scanned through the documents required, i alway stopped and bookmark the website for future usage. Why i stopped? Simply I just need an "unconditional offer letter" from the University of Chester...and chain effect, i'll need my transcript and my letter of completion (the letter that prove i completed my diploma course)...this is where i stopped at my current progress to study abroad...but I don't just sit there and shaking my legs, instead i take actions to apply these documents. And i swear I putted all of my efforts for all of the time...the officers didn't do their works, so what can i do?! keep complaining them and they will just smile at you, said something like under progress...I always plan everything based on their priorities, but what the point my mum keep scolding me i don't know how to judge??!!

Move on 3rd point:
This is what i most frustrated with...i had planned everything in my mind, no matter what...settling things, journeys, gaming, handling important things and everything that's needed to be planned...and back to 1st point, i don't speak them up because i respect my parents, and prevent get scolded if they don't like the plan...i had everything in my mind, and i can judge myself i like to plan everything, if you willing to let me plan...and this is the point where i can always have an argument with my parent...they just don't tell me everything...I want to help them if they are facing some trouble, as long as they can listen my opinion...but they just said "kids don't mess up the adults' matters"...what am i?! A three years-old children?! come on, i am twenty already!! and i had the rights to share my mind, and using an old phase again, "to heads are better then one", even now it's three brains together!!! the ancestors said, the viewers are always having the clearest mind, and i completely trust with it!!! I can't be helped when it's need to be done with my parents, but my plans is always referable!!!!! and my mum just said i don't know how to plan, i just don't want to hurt your honor and feeling okay??!!

Finally, 4th point:
I played games just because i want to killing the times only, and conclude every points above, this is what i can do when there is no customers, no actions that i must taken myself....

and i just don't understand why they can't trust me?! even some of my friends said i had a god-gifted brain with such good analysis skill and planning?!

I wonder if i was a great tactician in my previous life....if had any....

The Flaw in the Plan....

money is really a matter after all....actually, i think it's not hard to get the money for me to go study abroad, especially i can confirm i can go to UK when the starting of this year...but the low performance issue in TxR College caused endless of troubles....if and only if they can increase their performance, and i got what i want, i think i'll shaking my legs, waiting the flight date and study there....

right now, i had the possibility of can't go to UK study for this year, and what even worst is, I will end up in not getting what certificate that i want....just what kind of stupid rule that a student visa must had a certain amount of money in a bank account for more than 28 days....

right now, i feel very worried, confused, and helpless...this problem bothered me for several weeks already, and i just want to get some comforts from friends...but when i meet them, what they said are actually doing even deeper stabs into my mind...

the old slogan really mean it, "words is the most powerful weapon to cause chaos, even much more destructive than nuclear weapon, and much more serious aftermath after natural disaster"

"why are you here?"
"why you come back?"
"are you going to continue advance?"

naturally, i act like nothing and replied in an innocent, helpless manner, sometime, even joking, and mocking, but in fact, i felt my heart dropped into bottomless dark hole...these kind of questions sound like i am an alien in college, whether it's purposely or just a question popped up in the mind and asked without hesitation....

eventually, i'll forget it because i believe they just curious...so i focus my hollow mind on winning the matches of badminton...but i found it's very pointless when the partner making mistakes, and what's causing my anger, is the partner scold me back for some reason....

in the end, i giving up on that, and i hold a slightest light of hope that my posts on facebook and blog can get some comfort, comments or anything else...but after u staring the screen and keep refreshing the pages, there are no red icon appear at the top of the facebook's bar, and the value of the page loaded in my blog does not increase even one unit, not to mention the shoutmix's latest message is posted like one month ago....

i want to meet them, but i'll get rammed with questions....
i want to call them, just to having a lunch, a gym session, a badminton session etc, but i can predict the replies with absolute accuracy...which is no...

this is very reasonable prediction, since that most of them may take a glimpse, but no time to post a short comment and stay on the page for few minutes...

i started to feel like i gonna become a stranger with them already......

What's the point?

just nothing very significant, but it does bother me...

just two consecutive night i dream about my friends, and i felt it's very real....

about what? nothing particular, just studying....

Recent Activities

well, most of my friends continue their respectively advance diploma while i left out...kinda empty and boring because of nothing else to do but to wait the documents issued from college...

so i would take any chance to go out with friends, although most of the time is i invite them. but before i send the invitation, i and foresee the reply, so the invitation never send out. well, i understand the situation, so i rather dont bother them with somethings that not very significant...

i just completed my personal statement, and i am very frustrated from the begin and to the end...this does not suit my style...the problem i faced every time i write an essay is i dont know how to start, but once i done the first paragraph, everything would be extremely smooth, some times even i can't stop writing because the ideas is keep coming...but this time is different, i had no experience for writing a personal statement....now i understand why the tips i searched from the internet having a almost same meaning introduction..."one the most frustrated essay..", "...you would not want to do it again..."......

well, it cost me almost 2 hours  to complete it with 480 words...i am not sure whether it's too much or too little...i follow standard format (12 font size and times new roman, single spacing), and it just three quarter full on a A4 paper....well anyway...tomorrow i'll go to college and get it a check from my previous teacher....

Tomorrow will be a busy day....

Unofficially First Advance Diploma Day...

When I purposely enter the lecture hall late, I was pounded with questions; "eh?! i thought you said you didn't continue to advance?", "huh? why you come to college??", "aei, Xemnas a, Why you come here?!"

My reaction, of course, answered these question without rephrasing; "got three things to do, check result, apply transcript and get a sign on my reference letter."

But in my mind, i didn't tell anyone but confessed at here, "why can't i go back just paying a visit and have a lunch??" well anyway...

I arrived at college by approximately 8.50am, then i stayed at the new CITC lab, to settle several things, waiting the result to release, print out the reference letter, click Facebook, and help my mum to print out the map of route to visit their relatives (with the help of Google map). Simple enough...

Then 10.05am, a little bit late then my schedule because i gamble on the result will be release before i leave the lab, but still the officers' efficiency are disappointing me...i rushed to Miss Cheng's office, mt previous English Language tutor, to get her sign, since she is the one who do the reference letter for me...Thanks You Miss Cheng...XD

After that, I chatted with Miss Cheng a little bit, well, not a little, just less or more than 30 minutes . I was impressed by her, because i never knew she was staying at UK before. She asked me where i study, and how's the fees everything, the usual staffs. After this, she suggested how to use the remaining time at here since that i didn't find a part time job...

She suggested that i should make some friends via any channels at Chester, so that i can get some helps from them i.e getting to know to the surrounding, settle some daily life issues even can get some cheaper or free daily needs like plates, blanket and bed. Well, since i have the channel of agent, and the power of searching other people's blog online, i believe i can know some of the virtual friends within 2 weeks and gather all of the information within another 2 weeks.

Well, Miss Cheng said the whole progress is gonna to take months to complete, but i assure her that i can done it within 2 weeks to know all of the lifestyle of students in Chester, and befriend with the students there within another 2 weeks...it isn't very hard after all...^_^

I leave Miss Cheng's office on 11.05am, then i go to library to check my result. Actually, I am little disappointed because i got all B+ for all of the subjects i took...it's BM, Forensic Science and Business Management. My CGPA rosed from 3.19 to 3.22...not very satisfying...T_T

Around 11.10am, i started to feel confused, what should i do next? Then i had it in mind: go to lecture hall, have a free cold air then have a lunch with my gang. So i purposely make my self panting by running so that i have a reason of being late to enter the lecture hall. Luckily the lecturer hardly to paid any attention to me...

After the lunch, while impressed by my large fried rice already increase the price from RM3.50 to RM4 while i still paid RM3.50, bid farewell to my gang, chit chat a little bit with other friends, i went to Examination Department to apply transcript, then go to SAS office to request the letter that saying i completed Diploma level...then i when back home alone...

Continue to read Trudi Canavan's The Black Magician Trilogy Book 2: The Novice....nice story actually....

Mr Feng Shui in my house!!!

as title said, my mum bring a Mr Feng Shui to shop, i firstly ignore him first, but soon after i realized that my mum, dad and granny (grandpa go to fishing..) very respect of him. he looked around the shop, gave some comments that i purposely not to heard it. Then he sat down at the counter.

When I stand up, my mum dragged me in, introducing me to him. He asked me to let him to see my palm, and i obeyed. As he examining my palm, i looking at his eyes, well, just ordinary old man's eyes. Then he said out of blue, "don't fight when you age of 22", everybody will be stunned in a very short period. But I didn't said something, then he said something very funny.

He said my fate/destiny is here, and it's is made from last year. I said nothing of course, but i saw my mum looked satisfied. Then he said i'll engage marriage at a very young age. Well, i didn't have a girlfriend, how come will pop up a wife for me?!

Soon, he left with my mum and granny. And i don't understand why.....sweat.....>_<

Genting Highland Trip!!!

There is nothing very unusual when we go there, just that the LRTs "traffic jam", causing us arrived at the rendezvous place very late, and the bus is gone before we arrived. Because of this, all of the schedules are thrown almost completely chaos. But still, when we arrived at there, we directly check-in the hotel rooms, by breaking into 2 groups, one waiting for check-in while the other have their lunch first.

When everything is ready, we go for our outdoor theme part. First start with Pirate Ship, then went through the Parrot Lane, which we incidentally went through it just for looking for toilets. Then we played Spinning Cups for 2 consecutive times, then the so-called 1st roller coaster in M'sia, Cyclone, the small roller coaster. After that, we played Flying Chairs, then the Corkscrew, the "big" roller coaster. In fact, we want to play the machine that raise you to high high place, then suddenly drop you down one, but due to the unstable weather, the machine is temporarily shut down. Anyway, in the end, we still have the chance to play it.

Well, that's all, going back to sleep again...

Aww man....

I am not very sure, but just listening to it make my mind thrilled. Some of you said something like before i leave, you all gonna have a gathering for me. Really, by hearing to that, i both hesitated, and touched.

Some may thinks that i feel thrilled is normal, but what am i hesitated for? I am not very sure about it, but when i state it, then you all gonna say i think too much...XD

I hesitated for am i a precious friend? I don't know, because i just do what i feel the most better for somebody that i care of, that's all. All i had remembered is just some fragments of good memories, but there are tons of bad memories, well, not that much actually.

I just afraid that i do not know how to react when it is real, but as long as it don't go too extreme, i think i am fine with it...

Parking Issue again...

An Aggressive Father +
Pissed Security Guard +
Extremely Low Efficiency and Slow Reaction Maintenance Office =

A LONG LIST OF PROBLEMS +
Foul Mood +
Unnecessary Leg Works

Created by Xemnas Lee, future Genius Interpreter of Human Emotions and Reactions (wakaka o(^_^)o)

I am not bluffing, it's true story, or i put like this; every posts in this blog is true story.

Just something happened when i get back home and the problems arise.

Actually, I have nothing to do for this, i done what i should done, even something that's not in my concern. it's just something that will annoy me, then i'll be dragged into the matters, either willingly or reluctantly, physically or mentally.

For your information, I wouldn't care anything that's not in my business, well at least i do not look at it except i'll figure out the processes, causes, outcomes, solutions, future consequences and interpretation. But i wouldn't say anythings if it is not in my concern. these things come in within minutes, and disappear within another minute, for the case of not in my concerns.

But you could consider that i am kinda gossip people, if i feel interested in that particular matter. But don't worry, i'll judge the matters throughout as well as the consequences etc before i "speaking" aloud. Do not take me as "Lulu"!!! (means blur people)

In fact, i am enjoying judging things, interpret the matters, figure out the solutions, consequences etc. Why i am enjoy you ask? well, simply i enjoy it like you enjoy your hobbies, interested things. You can say that's my hobby.

Some of my friends asked me about i can predict the outcomes, then why your board games such as chess, chinese chess etc skill is suck? Well, i don't like to plan such "brain-consuming" activities, and i not very fond of then as well. But if you ask me to plan your new house's decorations, activities time flows etc, i willingly give my opinions.

Kinda off from topic, but i believe that the matters will be settled when the annual meeting of the resident area is carry out on 18th of May...because i gonna pin point the problems...haiz...wasting my precious sleeping time....T_T

What the F**k!!!!

I do not understand, what's the point of this cold war that break out just for the parking issue?!

The consequences include i upset my secondary school friends, i can't go for my usual jogging for three days in a row, the couples did not speak to each other, and i start to feel annoyed.

For the first consequence, is the one i felt most frustrated with. The girl that gather everyone last week just want to have a small gathering for secondary school friends to tighten the bond. I didn't replied her directly, because i scare of boredom. But later, i make the appointment for her. but just about i going to sleep, the war break out, and i completely lost the mood. and i had to stay so that i can take care the matter. I am really sorry about that. sometime, things happened and i had to take care of it personally.

For the second result, since there are many events that i want to mentally ignore it, physically ignore it but ethically must be accept it, i can't go for my joggings. this is number two that i felt most frustrated with because if i stop jogging for more than 2 days, the consecutive courses will be troublesome to me because the muscle must be trained within 24-48 hours or else it will be reduced it's power, endurance and shape.

The the third effect. they didn't spoke to each other tensed the atmosphere, which will lead to the next consequence, i feel annoyed. Simple enough without any explanation. 

The last one, this is not in the list at first but it'll make its way up to the top. my dad started to thinks that i am the one who should to blame because i didn't settle the things. and his tone is annoying me because i can't fight back. if i do, then a bigger war will be commence. he will say something like "you ask me to do something, i do. But i ask you do something, you'll reject it.", something like that. WTF... it's not my fault, but he just simply blame it to me.

What i want to fight back to him is something like "if you are so brilliant, and i am ridiculously dumb, why don't you do it yourself?!", self-explained what i want to express my feeling. Then he will turn his shame into anger, then scold everyone in the room. 

And i can't make a face of i feel frustrated about the things above, then he'll blame everyone too...i hate he is taking a place like king in a throne, and everyone must follow his words, regardless how stupid and absurd it is. I can make my counters, but it'll backfired to my mum, so, i rather stay quite.

Right now, i feel my parents are very childish, they still taking my opinions like shit, useless piece of shit. They do not know how clear i am when i eavedropping their argument. as they said, the viewers always are more clearer than the individuals involved.

How amusing i think,they are not even know how i interpret things in rationally, ethically and reasonable. why do i am the one who been affected so much for this "catastrophic event"...WTF!!!

Parking Issue?!

Well, as my previous post stated, since my grandparents move in, there is an increment in total number of cars that need a parking in the resident area. Not much, just three, but the parking available that's 2, so that's mean one of the cars (usually is my silvery Myvi) had to park at the visitors' parking. I don't mind walking, in fact, i enjoy them.

It takes about 3-4 minutes for me or longer for my parents approximate 5 minutes to get to the car from my house. But still, there are some inconvenient especially when you need to go out but forced to drive the silver Myvi. When, it require no explanation for inconvenient caused because it's imaginable.

Actually, i did go and apply a entry card(those magnetic card that will allow the user to go in the area), but what's maintenance office said that they need i to write a letter of requesting a new entry card and blah blah blah. I wrote the letter on the spot and a fat guy apparently is the new manager or what so position, as long as he hold most of the authorities guy said he will submit the letter to the head of maintenance office to see whether they approve the applications or not, something like that.

But it's happened few weeks ago, and there ain't any replies yet. Like a stone is thrown into bottomless ocean, just sinking and sinking. Then i don't know what the heck the security guards said to my dad, then my dad "asked"(couldn't find a more suitable word) my mum to go to maintenance office by daytime and ask again.

Maybe my mum's period is around the corner, or actually is the period, or just passed the period, you see, the period the girls will getting their nerves much more easily(or so they said). Or other matters that bother her and caused her have a little foul mood(financial problems, unwillingly spent too much on yesterday's temple festival), then my mum speak in a manner of reluctantly, angry and like mumbling in anger.

Things developed into a small argument, when it's 9pm or so, with the presence of my grandparents sitting in living room. Then in the end, like 12.30am, it become a big big argument, of course my grandparents is asleep. But obviously the arguments wake my granny and me up. For her part, their room doesn't close, and the argument is loud, that's make her wake up. But for my case, i am little surprise, because i wearing my earphone, that plugged into my MP4 player, with some soft musics playing the whole night. I woke up suddenly in fact, my granny already in the conversation with my dad in living room, and my mum pretend to sleep in her room when i peeking. But the things turn worst because my dad eventually speak something like blame himself(i go out and drink alcohol and play with women, his favorite quote), actually i know it's something that speak up when you get angry. Then my mum changed her clothes and attempt to go out, i stopped her of course.

Then my mum go back to room, my dad and granny at the living room. I afraid they will do something "stupid", so i stay awake and sit on a sofa in the small living room at second floor. I didn't go and interpret what they said, but rather, i thinking of the solutions for the problem: Parking Issue. In anyway, I MUST take these thing on myself already, due to several reasons. But i want to know is what is the security guards said my dad, causing him had a relatively furious mood. Maybe that's the source of the meaningless argument.

Enough of the facts, now go to my views of this matter. From what i eavesdropped, i guess to security guards are complaint about the random parking in the resident area. But from my knowledge, three cars of mine doesn't park randomly. there are two cars in the car lot, and my silver Myvi is parked at the visitor's parking, with my expired driving license gave to the guards in order to get the visitor pass to put on the dashboard of the car. I didn't see any problems with that but what's the point of complain the to my dad about the random parking?! Opposite to my house there are a Satia that's always getting in the way because that guy parked outside his house, which is the middle of the road, causing some troubles to park into the car lot. Why i didn't see any actions for that car?? rather settling the matter of the Satia, the guards are annoying my dad that his cars parked randomly. That caused some foul mood to both of my parents.

And as for my parents' argument, my mum might facing some problems as stated on above, so she is talking to dad with a unfavorable manner. And my dad get to his temper, so the argument break out. What i can think is why don't they retreat a step? just because their pride of father and etc causing the argument gradually become meaningless in my view. What they argue about is repeating themselves, like a circle, that's why i must handle the parking issue myself without their interferences. He got his points as well as hers, so what's the point to shout out on each other in the midnight and wake almost everyone up. I don't care us but what about the neighbour's think of the pair? i.e what are they doing or arguing over this not-a-problems problem? shame on you...etc.

Their fire caused their son forced to not having a jogging and can't enjoy a movie time later on...as far as i can see is: 爱得越深，骂地越凶...

Three Relatively suffering nights

Why suffering you ask? nothing particularly, just my mum's mum stay in my house for three nights, put it in short, my grandmother on mother's side. (appear to be longer....)

Since the guest room is occupied by my grandparents on father's side, so she just need to sleep in my room. my bed is queen size bed, but i am not very fond of sleeping with other people by sharing the double bed. but single bed is okay, because i will "flip" myself over the night. if something restrict my movement, i'll just freeze there for entire night. and my backbone is getting on my nerve; i feel very painful when wake up.

luckily,m she just stay for three nights, if she gonna stay longer, then i'll give up on sleeping on my bed, i'll simply sleep at the living room, which is obviously more comfortable. XD

and i just back from relatively long journey from my mum's mum's home, since there are a lot of places to go...started to getting annoyed by the traffic...

My own fantasy story

simply put, i have the concept for it, but i didn't really put them in words. This mean that i just simply imagine it, especially when i daydreaming.

Right now, by waiting the process to go on, i just put them in words, just to kill the times. The plots, characters, and prologue is almost done, but i really didn't except that to write out a novel, it is not as easy as i thought. First of all, you need a plot, then characters, then the places, finally, when you complete those, you need to put them in words. This also mean that you need to have a great variety of vocabulary, or else you novel is gonna be very boring.

Well, at least i got something to do; read many novels as i can, while studying the new words, synonym etc. Then i'll try to apply the new words into my novel. Actually i can gain 2 advantages by doing that, 1st is increase my english skill, then 2nd is able to express my fantasy story. By the way, if my novel is acknowledged, some magazine or newspaper will buy it from me, then i have extra incomes...XD

So that's all for this past, continue to creating the novel...lol

Emotionless...?!

Well, my grandparents had moved into my house and stayed for 3 weeks. I am not complaining, and did not have any dissatisfaction, but i did not felt any close relationships with them, the relationship of grandparents and grandchildren. May be the interactions did not occur too much, so i just feel like they are my family, but not very close one, although they are.

My grandfather has a little deaf, so I need to speak louder, not the normal loud, the volume is almost as screaming. Then my grandfather's physiologically thinks that others have some deaf as well, so he too increase the speaking volume. So sometimes, we are look like having an argument but actually, we just having a talk that's all. So here i'll state that i am not scolding my grandfather and so as he, because normally, people will respect their elders and talk relatively soft. But that ain't happening in my house though, so don't take me like i am not respecting elders. I AM respecting them because if i talk too softly, he will thinks that i am mumbling, so don't get the wrong idea.

My grandmother doesn't have the hearing impairments, nor the the other sensory impairment, but the problem is her legs, hypertensions, and a little diabetic. One day I saw the medical report of my grandparents, basically my grandfather doesn't have much problems except the bit higher LDL choresterols, bit higher blood glucose and bit higher uric acid. All these can be controlled by diet, but my grandmother has a little problem. As stated, hypertension, diabetic and legs problem concerning her. Well, that's the old people will face. All of these can be controlled by diet, so my mum somehow complains about do not know how to prepare the dinner.

I am not too picky, but still i don't like bitter vegetables and spicy foods. But my dad is very, very very picky. This and that and this and that, so the dinner doesn't have too much variety.

But to topic, i do not have much of significant feeling toward my grandparents, so some times i ask myself, if they passed away, will i cry out?? Probably no, cold-blooded huh? Just that i din't have too much sadness until i cry. That day my sister said that she miss dad's car(the car is sent for repaint), and i think, "is that so? i don't think like that."

So that's that, i didn't feel too much of the emotions toward the things...One thing though, "Final Destination" had taught me one lesson, always follow the rules will significantly reduce the chances of incidents and accidents...XD

咒怨...

Actually I want to watch this when it is released, the 10th anniversary of Ju On, but most of my friends gave me various reasons, ranging from busy and don not want to paid and in the end, covering the ear and eyes. So, I didn't watch at that time.

Thanks to PPS, now I can watch it. This movie is divide into 2 parts, the white ghost and the black ghost. On PPS, it's separated into 2, so i watch this consecutively.

After finish, I think, well, average only. The ghosts' appearances does not scary as the Thailand films like Haunted Universities, but rather, the scene they appear is rather interesting. Just the plots. The white ghost part is very messy because it is presented like the form of puzzle, you need to pay attentions to the characters appeared and the time horizons is different from one scene to another. But in the end, the white ghost part is much more "scary" then the black ghost part.

One thing though, there are more characters appear in the white ghost part, i think around 10 or something, while the black ghost part is just 5-6 characters. But i still think that the white ghost part is better than the black ghost part. These stories does not interrelated, but the style of scarring people is still the same, quite predicable.

I never be a spoiler, but i will just do the some of the reviews and comments only, so don't ask me anything about the plots or else it'll just spoil the fun of watching...o poor nanny and that kid to dress up like that...

Am I being too hasty??

well, about the previous post, the games i mentioned, i just beat them.

Kingdom Heart: Birth by Sleep was beaten on friday, while Suikoden V was done on sunday, mean just now. Well, actually not completely, KH:BBS just partially, i exclude the side quests, extra weapons, bonus bosses that have no significant effects on the storyline. Even if i completely complete it, there's no point because i don't know what the heck is they talking about, eventually, i rather use other people save file to see the true endings. Until this point i completely understand the mystery left behind in the previous 2 releases.

As for Suikoden 5, I done it completely, with a guide of course, there are 108 recruitable characters including the hero you know. By excluding the story-line characters, there are roughly 80++ characters needed to be recruit by doing the side quests, mini games etc. Actually suppose there are 70 playing hours to complete the game as state in the guide i am using, but i done it in just 40 hours, the require time that do not do any extra quests besides the story events. So, am i god?...lol

Tell the truth, i using some cheats only, just 2 of them, quick money and skill point gain. Well the money is almost anything but the skill points are just for extra character stat. So i can finish the game at a faster pace. So it worked in the end. Now i got nothing to do already. Maybe i just play back some old game such as Suikoden 4 or something....

Time for hit the dinner, Bon Voyage....XD

No Titles.....

I didn't realize that I didn't post any new post for a long time, even this new post i can't even think a title for it. After the exams, i just diving into Suikoden 5 in PS2 and Kingdom Heart: Birth By Sleep(KH: BBS) in PSP.

Actually this PSP is in my possession, but it does not belongs to me. Instead, it's my friend's PSP and i borrow it from him just for play the KH:BBS, just want to try out the new battle system etc. I read the storyline from Wiki(wow!! SPOILER WIKI!!!!), because it's japan version, full of japanese symbol and i just roughly know what's talking about by hearing. But still, the battle system DID surprise me because i am a big fans of the previous 2 series.

Adding the command board, temporarily Drive Form, Finishing Move in early the game(unlike the KH2 which obtained in the middle progress of the game), Dimension Link which is kinda of like summon but you still controlling the character but using other attacks and move etc. And i realize one thing, apparently, the bosses are much more "stupider" then the previous series, just keep defending and actually is not quite hard.

Overall, it's still a nice game and many improvements, either on the game plays or the graphic. Still i am very surprised that why the Square-Enix doesn't release it on PC, PS2 or PS3, by considering the graphic, long storylines (3 separate characters with different style and Finishing but the storylines are roughly the same but the encounter with the bosses is different) and the CG movie etc. With hell for that....

I play PSP at daytime because i forced to stay in the shop, and play PS2 at the night time. Since there is no homeworks, reports, assignments etc(still not get used to this), i am extremely bored if i didn't find something to do. Well, badminton is good but i still need to consider my others friends since all of us study in different courses, different colleges as well.

There is one more thing though, I must hide the PSP from my sister, in order to avoid that she thinks mum brought a new PSP for me instead for her. Well, she can get jealous very easily. So 9am to 11 am is a safe time to play, but then 11am till 12.30pm is not because she is preparing to go to school. After that, the whole day is safe till dinner time. LOL

Right now, i posting the post just to kill time till my sister go for the school, so, good luck for those sitting for the exams and good luck for me too to finish the game within 2 weeks...XD

Resolutions

I am not sure about the people said about the "resolves" that they found we they feel confuse, but anyway me too also not very sure i found my resolve...

Just so happen that i prepare to sleep, and use my mp4 player to play my favorite Canon plus sound of waves to help me sleep more faster. But during the first 10 minutes of playing(the music is 15 minutes long), I can't sleep. Maybe my brain is drifted off  a little bit, but still can't sleep during these ten minutes. Then i had my dolphin to increase the total height of my pillow. Then the rest of the 5 minutes playback, I am thinking, what have i done?

Maybe i were just envied, then this feeling turn into jealous then anger. Then i asked myself, what's the point to get angry with? Maybe that's why my dad always told me that i am very short-tempered, and this characteristic even surpass his temper. Simply put like this, I am much more "shorter"- temper than my dad. So i think i can classify myself as low EQ.

The low EQ doesn't matter very much, but the problem is i want the things go in my own plan. Any flaw and I'll start to get angry. Mentally disorder, perhaps.

Right now i think i am the one who gonna be blame. But fortunately, i will no longer stay with you all anymore. so at least you all can be much more comfortable without me. And right here, right now, i would like to apologize to all of you. I am so sorry that I dare no to make apology in front of you all, because i am not that fearless that you all saw...

Obscured...

I know something is obscuring my sight, not physically, but mentally.

I don't know what to do, especially i facing a so-called crisis. I can't focus on what i really want to do. In the end, my mind become very blank. As blank as a pure white paper.

I do know what's bothering me, but i did not go and find a solution for it. Mostly is because I started to feel disappointed. At least it is looks like this.

I rather don't want to talk, or i put it in this way: I don't have any motivation, mood and will to talk. When you started to feel very disappoint toward something, you might even not to talk or have any reactions toward it.

This is my current status. I started to feel lazy to do anything except study and gaming. The communications is not in the list. I study for my future career, and i play games is to relax before and after study.

And i realized that many people really didn't pay any attentions to the surrounding. I have enough to answer any repetitive questions. I really wonder, why at that particular time that someone mentions these thing and you all didn't pay attention and take notes or memorize it. Did you all can't survive without me? Do I have so significant influence in your hearts, when it comes to unimportant things? Then when things get serious, i have no more significant influence at all?

Now I really lost every single bits of motivation already. So I rethink, why do I sooooo busybody to do that at the first place? Why don't I keep quite and reject that thing so that I will not feel so suffering at present?

I do not know whether or not I still supported by you all...really...or just it is coming to the end so you rather choose to keep silence for that.......

Haha.........

So...what a simple post title...But i can't think other title that much more suitable than that...this title is not as positive that you can think, the dots behind it is really expressing my feeling right here, right now. Quite complex huh? The word just merely express my whole feeling, the the entire title can really show what kind of feeling i am having because I am not the type that I'll confess/tell/express my feeling that easily...

Actually, what i want to emphasize is actually i feel i am kind of left out for the group. Some obstacles hardly a challenge to shaken my sky-rocketing mood, but i start to think that i can't fit in the conversations anymore...not more...

Previously, i am the one who start up the topics and conversations. People tend to gathering around me easily, at the beginning only...at the late stage, i am no longer fit in the group, like when all of us go out for a lunch, people have their talks, but not including me.

So far i can only came out 2 reasons why I being left out. First, which i think is the most reasonable and much more solid answer than the second one, my personality. I realized that when introducing to the others, and we starting to form friendship between each other, I am shy at that time, actually i am not that open-mind and willingly to express my whole personality to others. But when the time flow, my personality starting emerge one after another. So, in the end, I mostly end up alone.

The second reason, which i feel it's kinda absurd, is I am going to UK, that there is no point to get close to each other. Even i think this is very meaningless....

As long as i can see, there are no ways that i can confess myself. I have three choices, college friend, family and secondary school friend.

I directly ignore the choice of family because i do't want them worry one more thing, either is inferior or important thing, this will simply increase their burden. So, off with the family. And for friends, either from college or secondary school, I am not fond at express myself, so how do i tell them? I usually go out with my secondary school friends for movies and badminton, so what's the point to spoil all the fun? Then the friends from college, the answers that i can expect from them after i confess the feelings is, "you think too much", "没有咯，人都是酱子的咯", or the worst, ignore me and continue to other topics.

So, what to do? Throw everything to blog, let those want to see, so be it. I want to cry but the tears wouldn't drop. I want to scream but the others will comment me like i am insane. Actually I really want to confess my feeling, but there are something that inhibits me to do so, and i don't want to affect the others' moods. Someone is gonna say i think too much again.....

What do you think?

What do you think of your parents? This simple question can rise up many answers.

I know is not good to bad-mouth own parents, but parents are not saints, not gods. They are just simply human, human that lived longer than us, the teenagers. They had more experience that us, saw much more things than us, eat more salt than us...

What I want to emphasize here is, parents can make mistakes, regardless it's a big mistake or a small mistake, but it's still a mistake. What drive me insane is my parents are very opinionated and like to looking for troubles...

It's just happened yesterday, when my mother and I enter the security check point of my residential area, the security guard give me a notice. it's about the barred entry for not paid the maintenance fees to the maintenance office. After i translate the notice, my mum started to scolded me, "what the hell they are doing?! I already paid the fees till March?! Why the office said want to bar the entry?!"

First of all, it's not my fault, and i get scolded for nothing, i just do the translation part only. Secondly, she can just simply ignore the notice since she cleared the debt, this kind of letter always following by a phase, "please kindly ignore the notice if the payments is made". I thought my mother know this kind of things because it's always there from the bank statement/ installment statement/ statement of account from suppliers. I don't understand why she is so angry with that letter.

Then, this morning, when i fletched my mother to shop, when passing through the security check point, my mother asked the guard, it's the same guard that give us the notice. I stopped her with loud voice and explain the things. Then when i drive through the check point and turned a junction, my mum suddenly shout, " WHY U SPEAK LOUDLY TO ME?! I AM UR MUM AND YOU TALK TO ME LIKE THIS!! WHERE IS YOUR MANNER?! WHAT THE HELL IS THE TEACHERS TEACHING YOU THE PENDIDIKAN MORAL?!"

I give a silence reply, and she keep scolding me along the way to the shop. On the way i though,"why you always like to looking for troubles?! The guard just doing his job, that is distribute the notices under the order of the maintenance office, the easiest way to distribute it is sit at the check point, give every car the enter the residential area the notice, simple. It's not his fault to give the notice, it is just a notice after all, not forcing you to pay the money. Plus the guard do not know which house owner is in debt with the office. So what's the point to ask the guard a question that i gave the answer to her yesterday?!

So, Vexation. It's a new word i learn, it's mean that something or someone that causes anxiety; a source of unhappiness. I just use a louder voice to explain it again, then she went insane. Then when i get back to shop, she is still like this. She told my father after the dinner, then he said the same thing. So, opinionated. 自以为是 is in the chinese form. I lazy and avoid to defend myself. Otherwise they will scold me for another reason.

Actually I am kinda of boring already. My mum didn't tell the whole story. She just tell my dad I speak loudly to her in this morning. I anticipated this kind of matter will occur, just a matter of time. If they rather don't want me to talk, I can just be a Silence Man as they wish. And I started to feel that they think i am just a parasite. A parasite that eat the rice and money. And I think my disappearance will make them happy and make celebration.

So, starting from today, I'll just act like somebody that can't talk at all...so this will fit my dad's word..."sew up my mouth"

Are You Ready???

Or rather, am I ready to go to UK??

Looks like my mood is going a very high stage then suddenly fall down at a exponential rate, just simply my mu keeps mumbling, then scolding, the bluffing...said that I am still naive, not prepare yet for going to UK, don't know how to judge the things whether it's important or not, not serious in handling the matters, take the matters very lightly, didn't take care own hygiene, don't know how to take care my own things, keeps playing without doing something that meaningful, and the list going on endlessly. Along the way from the shop till home.

I know she may had a bad day, or perhaps Aunt Visit, maybe somethings pissed her off. So I choose silence, keep bitting my own lips, calm my temper, preventing them bust out then having conflicts...

I know what stressed her, the financial problem. It's not my mum fault, just some stupid/retard customers didn't pay their debts, causing the shop's financial turnover not very well. So that's the problem. But I still want to add-on. Firstly, I feel my parents spend too much of money in cigarette and beers, and the money to treating the friends to eat/drink. Just take an example, yesterday my family and i went to the taoism day dinner gathering(something like this), my parents keep ordering the beers, each bottle costs RM10, and approximately 4 to 5 cups full will finish the beers. If they drink for their own, i have no objections, but they treat their friends, one bottle and another till the gathering finish. I believe they finished 20 or more bottles...so, RM200++ gone....those friends of pigs and dogs...(猪朋狗友）

I don't know how to raise the objections to them, since that i learn that last time I advice them get scolded for nothing for an hour, said something like it's their money, they can do whatever they pleasant...So, if they save the money to treating the friends, i do believe they can save lots of money, even can support me to UK for 2 years...

Until this point, i can't said i am ready to UK, but I think my family is not ready too...right until here, the worst decision i can made is rather go for the UK, i stay for advance diploma for 2 years, make my own money to UK, rather then ask for them, or apply loan...

And I think, my parents don't want me to go to UK, after saying all these....

Alternatives..?!

First of all, i didn't think about any alternatives since i am decided go to UK, but, on yesterday, 28th of March 2010, for the first time, my determination to UK is shaken, even giving up to UK...

Actually, the biggest problem is financial problem, if my result is distinction, then the money is not a problem. But i am not that clever, hardworking, and my result is just a little bit above average, so i think even though i get the scholarship, but still it wouldn't be 100%, maybe just 50%(at most) of the fees. And this particular 50% of the fees i need to get it on my own. I don't think my parents can support me this huge amount of money, ever my grandparents move in to my house, the burden on my parents' shoulder become more heavier.

I don't want to make them so suffer like this, but on the other hand, I want go to oversea to study. Family and career, which one i can choose?!

In my own view, go to overseas cost is higher at the present, but in the future when i graduate, i can make more money. But when I think another way round, study at the local can reduce the burden on my parents is lighter at the present, but in the end i can only end up in Malaysia's police department( which is lesser paycheck and the competition of getting the job is higher...because of the government policy...damned with the special right of bumiputra, where the hell is the Satu Malaysia?! ...>_<).

Right now i have three choices. 1st, UK. 2nd, USM(maybe...). 3rd, Advance diploma.

Actually, I haven't reveal my worries to my parents. But based on my understanding to them, they probably want me go to UK, by taking the scholarship, and the loans.

I need some times to think about it, and I need to gather some information from my father's friend, see whether can I work in PD with diploma certificate, or advance certificate is better. At my current state, I don't want to go to my career so soon, but at the same time I don't want my parents carry this burden as well...so what to do?!

After a Very Long Run...

phew... after a long day nonstop rushing, today finally i have a chance to make a post...

actually, when i really think about it, i am not sure my group is lucky or rather, unlucky at all...

we met a very good BM teacher, and a very good Business Management tutor...let's start from BM tutor first

to put the words more mercy, she is very nice, easy-going tutor. But when it's come to another way round, forgive me to stab her back, she is lazy, not very responsible tutor...why i comment her like this? just simply she is a Malay after all...XD

Initially, my group should done a presentation last week, the 4th week, but she attaining a training, so delay to 5th week, which mean, this week. So now i have 1 assignment and 1 presentation on 5th week.

Next, talk about Business unit...initially, we should pass up the case study assignment, but the lecturer and tutors receive the feedback that about the case study is very hard, can't understand at all and blah blah blah reasons, so delay to 5th week first tutorial session...so, add up i have 2 assignment, 1 presentation to done at 5th week.

Now, come to Forensic Biology part, Mr. Leong part. Supposedly, the mid-term test should be at 4th week, first lecture session, but on 3rd week Thursday lecture, he didnt come for the lecture(playing FB i suppose?!), so the part should be done for the test delay again...so the test forced to move to thursday, BUT!!! the talk about the advance diploma thing delay it again...so, 5th week thursday for mid-term test....total up till here, 2 assignments, 1 presentation, 1 mid-term...

Finally, come to Forensic Chemistry part, Dr.Chong part...well, he just kinda sloppy type, and he decided the mid-term test are carry out at 5th week Thursday session...GRAND TOTAL: 2 ASSIGNMENTS, 1 PRESENTATION, 2 MID-TERM TESTS!!!


uh huh...what a busy week, well at least the 5th week is passed half way already...i done the assignment and presentation part(i think the presentation didnt goes very well since it's in BM, if in English...hahaha), now what's left is 2 mid-term tests. I am not afraid of the Dr. Chong's part, since the calculation only, just my eyes need to be clear...but the Mr.Leong's part...well, i am kinda lazy to read it, glaze through may be works...XD


time does flow, in a very fast rate, just like blinking speed...i still can remember 2 years ago, my second visit to the TAR College, to take the registration form, right after the release of SPM result...lol, so naive and nostalgic when i am lost in college...


the diploma is gonna end soon, and the things that can make me remember all of the friends can say it's 80% done, the remaining 20% is gonna be difficult...i am not very fond of  expressing myself actually, but still i can express it on words, typing words, not the speaking words, it just make me kinda embarrassing...


now i can really feel what's they are feeling when they graduate from college...like those dramas, the school's a;ways broadcast the Canon in D when the Graduation is going on...when i listening the Canon, i feel very...dont know how to put it in words, but that kind of feel is kinda sad, yet happy, want to cry, but yet keep smiling...something like that.


Actually, i like to collect different version of Canon, i have the rock, piano, violin, pipe organ, harp, techno even Erhu version also is one of my collection. I can't particularly state the reason why i like it, people said this is kinda blindly love...well, something like that...


among these version of Canon, the violin version is the one that touch me most...especially the graduation is near...well, actually i am very envy that almost all of my gang members are gonna stay together, and looks like i am the one who gonna left out...XD


every people choose their own path, the others just can give advices only, the decision is on your own hand, i can't force them and so do they, what i can do is just do anythings that can keep the memory and enjoy and most importantly, enjoy the college life....lol

These few days...

after several days of silence myself unless important situations take place, i realized that shut up is not that hard after all...especially when you are facing many pressures at the same times...

i just received a sms saying that somebody is facing financial problems and can't support anymore, my mind become very blank, sitting there, the brain is thinking how to solve this...

become i typing this post, i merely come out a solution, though is not a perfect one, but still, i need some support. but i afraid i will not get the support from family right now, especially mention about the things that i planed recently...

i decided to give her fisrt, the money...well, using the investment method will be a better solution rather than do nothing, since the order is placed, and there is no turning back already...

actually, i am experimenting somethings, see whether it'll work out or not...so far the results are acceptable, at least it's not that miserable as i were expected...now i shall share the conclusions...

• talking jokes can really fools you parents, especially you have somethings that you do not want them know...this can be support by the fact that i did not tell them that i keep silence, but still they did not know what's happened in my college's life. 

• some times, you can really test out which friends are really taking his/her hearts to be friend with you, means willingly want you to become his/her friends, by simply make some actions that out of your personalities...THANKS YOU MY FRIENDS...you are there when i were in the mists, keep wondering about where's the exits, give me some directions and advices and help me to get out with it... 

• keep doing excercises would not help you to clear you mind, in fact, it may further confuse it...supported by i keeps jogging these few days and yet i still feel very messy... 

• think before act, this is the most important conclusion that i can draw...these days, when i keep silence, i am still imagine if i do this, what will be the result, and how about the other ways and their results...i can imagine at least 2 consequences when i do a particular action, which makes me kinda clear in mind when the same situation comes at future and what'll be the consequence...so, rather talking nonsense that will hurt people, why don't i talk something that's more better and nicer? 

• it's gonna end now, the diploma level in TAR College, this is nearly end of the week 4, next week will be the last third week that we can study together, i do believe Group 3 is gonna scatter...i'll go to overseas, some of them stay for advance diploma, some of them go for another university or college for further study, some of them may go to work directly...thinks that may be i am the only one who will go overseas after the diploma level huh....absurd...hopes we can still stay connected via Facebook and blogs...though i'll continue the this blog that share the happiness, sadness, angry, disappointment, supports, encouragement and etc... 

• i realize that i am the type that need more supports than the others, though i didn't look like that. sometime, although it's just a very short comment, but still can brave myself to make the decisions, do something that i am afraid of...pathetic...maybe the horoscopes are really accurate after all...some people said i do not look like a Virgo, so i told them, my birthday is 23rd of August, what do you think? half Virgo and half Leo? or simply Lioness?! proud, seeking glory, sociable, outgoing, active, "love face" can be found on Leo people. tender(?), like clear, serious, careful, like to guess people's heart can be found on Virgo people. and half of these traits can be found on me. especially proud... 

• after this, i want to make a change...so just wait and see... 

i am sorry my friends, sorry ti trouble you all, sorry to make you all worry, sorry...

My Decisions in my College Life

By looking at the last post's date, i realized that i didn't post too much after all. But here comes the new post...

2 years ago, right after i attended the mass call in college hall, i were wondering, what kind of people will i meet? many people said that the friends that you made in college can cause a significant change in your life, your view and your future as well. after read this, my mind were tumble, i afraid my future will be shaken and then i will fall. after the that day, there were a briefing about the college's rules, examinations' rules and much more. right after that, comes to my first decision in my college life.

the newly assigned course representative by senior, Justin Benedict Webber, assistant course representative, Goh Tee Kim(who is the my first course mate i met) were holding a course meeting to choose group leader. at that time, i randomly choose to sit at the first row where my group members are all together. when Justin mentioned about to choose who should me the group leader, one of my current gang member, Yuuji said aloud," the first guy at the front will be the group leader."

then my heart is beating fast, at all of a sudden. i looked back, seek for the voice, i smile at him, so do him(kinda silly, since at that time we didn't know each other). at that time, i want to be a group leader, but still i am still afraid, afraid of being rejected by the others, afraid of i am a worst group leader(this is what i think now). i braced myself, step in front and "partially" voluntary to become the group leader. this is my first decision in my college life, which is significantly affecting my life after all.

so, i planned in mind, if i met someone that is having a great potential to be a group leader, i'll resign and let he/she to do it. unfortunately, my group did not have this kind of people. all i saw is having one of the potential to become a group leader.

The one with the same name that i met at least 3 people at that time has the so-called "aura" of a group leader, but the personality of difficult to contact in the time of need forced me to rethink.

I do not see any potential to become a group leader in the one who has the name changed when this member young. so i have to rethink again.

The one who once scolded me can handle many things very smoothly, especially when it's come to make a important decision. But what i afraid is this member is kinda lack in confident when come to the public speaking, so rethink again.

The one with over active personality is having the most potential to become a group leader. But when i ask this member, i were rejected immediately, saying that wants to be the strategist, rather than the leader.

The biggest brain winner can handle the things very carefully, since that this member is a Virgo. so i can entrust the title of group leader to this member. But this member rejected too, the reason is unknown.

so there's the problem, including me there are 17 people in my group but the others except the people i mentioned do not have the potentials, even there is, still is not as strong as them. so what do i do? i continued with the title of group leader. this is the second important decision that i made.

then, i were confused. at the last time, all of my group members supported me, i dont know they are unwillingly or they really support me from the hearts. i dont think all of them are really support me, maybe they just lazy to elect a new group leader. some of them said i think too much. Did i? every things i thought are just some meaningless, stupid, retard thoughts? why all of you support me at that time?! you can just simply said "oh you this inferior human being, give the title of group leader to other people already!!! you stupid retard!!", or "why dont you go to hell and rest in peace so that the group leader title can go to the others?". i really want to know what are you all thinking about, so that i can leave without any guilty feeling...

now i am starting to get very guilty, my mind are very messy. i dont think i am a good group leader after all. and this is not the first time i think like this. and after today's classes, i do really curse that why the Business Organization and Management unit do not come early at the semester 1 in first year, so that at least i can learn something from it.

Previously, i feel very boring toward the books that about the leadership, management skill etc and even consider it as junk. who would like to bother to read this kind of books except for business people such as CEO, manager. now i realize not just business people would like to read this kind of book, others can read it too. now it is useless since i gonna leave this college, with the title of group leader carrying at my shoulders. The title that i really want to drop now. This is my third decision. Will be the last one as the group leader. Then, from now on, i refuse to talk when there is unnecessarily, my fourth decision in my college life...

Boundaries

first of all, when i posting this, i feel like you all must feel boring about it, so just simply ignore it 'kay?!


thinks that every things have this things, the boundaries...but i am the one who didn't really realized the presence of this particular thing...so you can say i am a person that kind of blur blur one...


this is what my friend told me, he said that my eyes look very different when playing video games, especially those game that require very good respond etc, like Kingdom Hearts 2, when i fighting the bosses, the eyes looks just different.


this give me a shock, just like somebody said i am not the people that i suppose be...kinda like the interesting story plot. for me, this sound like some of the scenes in Tales Of the Abyss, that the main character, Luke is just a replica. so i trying to remember what i am thinking, doing and processing when i playing the games...


so i come out a relative stupid conclusion, i think i am drive by the instinct, the instinct of proud, the instinct of hunger of triumph, instinct of don't want to lose. kind of becoming a beast, but i am the one that "when this is what i good at, then i do not want to lose, at least i am taking you with me. if i can't win, so do you" kind of people...


maybe this where the my personality boundary cut at, one is the beast-like me, then the other is "sociable, happy-go-lucky and win or lose, doesn't matter" me, aka friendly me.


this is what my mum said to me, when i was kid,"if you put the strength in your study, like when you playing the useless video game(that time is PS1), then your result will be like genius!!!"


so for me this sound like,"if you didn't get a satisfied result, then you'll be prohibited from playing games!!!", so i just unwillingly study, just to play games...


if i am not remember wrongly, i am good at fighting games, like Street Fighters, Digimon World etc, those games require not only good responses, blinding speed finger movements, as well as strategies. so at that time my finger is just like having some injuries, very painful. then now, i am still the same case, good respond, high speed finger movement and own-plus-online-equal-to-perfect strategies.


now i think possibly i am very good at Kingdom Hearts 2 Final Mix + game, when it come to bosses, i feel like they are nothing, but the other thinks that "OMG!!!! this boss is insane!!!"...


when i watch those similar video on Youtube, i feel like they are stupid, using inappropriate equipments and strategies etc, you should feel lucky because i don't know how to capture high-res video...or else i'll show you what is the best ways to defeat the trash-like bosses...






back to topic, i just feel like the boundary of these personalities is started to merge, blurred and i found out my self that i can clearly feel there is a gap between my friends and i. i feel like i am not part of them anymore, not like the previous times, that i feel i am part of you, and i can understand your feelings, your thoughts and your characteristics. since the new semester commenced, i feel i am "clearly" cut from my friends....


when i am looking at them, their faces, their thoughts, feelings is not like before, i can feel it, like it's just before me. maybe the gaming and self-isolation gets me....

My Feeling...?!

thanks for the CNY, now my schedule is going completely chaos...the day that suppose to be going for a jogging is cancelled due to the over-comsumpted stamina and lack of sleep...the day suppose to start to packing for the trip to PD is messed by the parents' friends visiting and forced to do it in one night...now i even feeling like i dont want to sleep anymore, even i am exhausted, pissed by the baby cousins' childishness, feeling boring toward any entertaiments that i have...


after reading an article, i am seriously thinking about how to express my feelings, either it's good or unpleased...but i find out that due to enviromental factor, i am always hiding my feelings, regardless it's unconsciously or intented to...guess what is that particular factor? it's my mum...and my dad too.


my mum teached me that 'special skill' in many ways, scolding, telling with anger, telling with tears, even with a cane(when i small though...^^), whereas my dad teached me in one and only and his favorite way, capture me, wanted to chat with him in a relative forcefully way...


so with that, i can easily to lost my temper, if i want to, and everythings that seldom or never come out from my mouth can be appear from it, and i can completely close my mind, letting you having the hypothetically guessing...


and i just realised that i having 2 completely different personalities, one take place in meeting the friends, like in college or hang out with them. the other one take place in meeting with my relatives. in college, i become very talkactive, playful till naive, but when i return from college, i just want my personal dimension, without anyone disturbing me to do my works, playing games alone.


now you may ask, what if my family members meet my friends in public places such as shopping center or vacation spots? well, depends on which party that i follow at the first place, so that particular personality will take place. kinda creepy huh? even now i suspect i am having Dissociative identity disorder (DID).


based on the wikipedia, Dissociative identity disorder (DID) is a psychiatric diagnosis that describes a condition in which a person displays multiple distinct identities or personalities (known as alter egos or alters), each with its own pattern of perceiving and interacting with the environment. The diagnosis requires that at least two personalities routinely take control of the individual's behavior with an associated memory loss that goes beyond normal forgetfulness; in addition, symptoms cannot be the temporary effects of drug use or a general medical condition.

so, base on that, i am not having the DID, but if my assumption is correct, everyone must be having the same condition like me, whether it's just once a while only or daily rountine...i wish this ridiculous assumption goes wrong...here i go again, making nonsence hypothesis...

maybe i'll just clear my mind, and sleep

i want to know is there any Zen classes for free? i want to join...